Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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