Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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