Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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