if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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