dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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