Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
one two three fourrrrnication!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
