please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
