Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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