So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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