The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
whose parrot is this?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
