Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
