operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize