don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
