I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
