im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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