I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
