the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
