im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
