our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
