he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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