So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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