I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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