if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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