enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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