I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
