It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
