Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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