he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize