I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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