i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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