her facebook's as public as her vagina
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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