i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
