My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
