I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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