I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
