I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
