It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
