I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You can't motorboat a personality
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
