Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
