he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
