Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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