We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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