Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
