I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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