On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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