Where did you get a picture of my penis
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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