i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
