then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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