Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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