If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
