Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
