Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You ate ashes out of my bong
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
