My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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