When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
