I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dignity is for republicans.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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