if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
