You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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