this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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