Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
