Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
