he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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